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Jed's Dyctionarie

I always liked the idea for this, but I guess you had to be a geek to understand it properly. ^__^ It didn't get anywhere in competitions in two years, so I gave up on it XD.

Story and characters © 2003

PLEASE NOTE: When you read this, you think you're reading English. That's true. You are. But when someone in the story talks, it's actually translated from Yaarglish. So just be careful. Or you might start talking Yaarglish to everyone around you.

Jed sat up, very quickly. So quickly, in fact, that he rocketed out of bed, hit his head on the ceiling, and landed on the floor.
"Ouch," he said, rubbing his head.

Jed remembered why he had sat up. He raised a finger.
"Aha!" said Jed. "Aha!"
He stopped for a moment to try and remember what he had been about to say. (His knock on the head could have affected his brain…or maybe Jed just wasn't very smart.) He remembered.
"Aha! I have an Idea! I will write a book of words! I will call it a Dyctionarie."
Jed didn't know why he'd decided on the name. It sounded good.

Jed decided to go out and take some notes for his Dyctionarie. He walked outside and whipped out his Palm m125, before remembering that the Palm m125 hadn't been invented yet. He fumbled for his pocket to put the Palm away, then remembered that pockets (and Pocket Monsters) hadn't been invented yet, either. He shrugged and started inputting data into his Palm, with its measly eight megabytes of memory. At least, he tried to input data into his Palm, but found that he couldn't remember the Graffiti characters for each letter. He went back inside and delved into the piles of papers and logs on the floor to search for his Palm's documentation. He found it and brandished it triumphantly in the air. Then he remembered that he had used the pages detailing the Graffiti characters to light a fire the previous winter, when firewood had been scarce.

"Blasted Palms!" said Jed. This one had cost the equivalent of 3,028,654,193.15 Yaarglish dollars when he'd gone into the future for a holiday a couple of years previously (except that the holiday had been some time into the future), and there was no tech support from Palm on Yaargle. It was sometimes annoying, living in the past (and separated from the Palm headquarters by a mere 2353 million light years).

Jed sat down with his Palm and decided to work by trial and error to find the Graffiti characters. By mistake, he must have inputted a special keyboard shortcut. A note popped up:
Remember: You have a keyboard.

Jed thought for a moment. And another moment. Then, gingerly, he tried another stroke on his Palm's screen. Another memo popped up.
It's under your bed.

Jed raced back into his house to look for his keyboard. It wasn't under the bed. Jed thought again. (His brain was really getting a workout.) He remembered that he had moved his bed according to the advice of the Feng Shui expert he had consulted. He found the place where his bed had been. It wasn't hard. There was an unfaded patch in the wallpaper. (Jed, for some reason, had papered his floor instead of his walls. There was carpet all over the walls.)

Jed looked all over the unfaded patch, but couldn't find his keyboard. There was, however, an unsightly lump underneath the floorpaper. Jed realised why.

It was his keyboard.

Jed started ripping up the floorpaper. Pulling out the keyboard, he looked at it. And stopped.

There was a nest in the middle of the keyboard. It wasn't just any nest. It was a cockroach's nest. As Jed watched, a giant cockroach climbed out of it and waved its antennae at him.
"Aargh! What is this thing?" Jed exclaimed.
"I'm a giant mutant cockroach," said the bug. "I've been specially evolved to scare unsuspecting humanoids like yourself."
"You're supposed to scare me? AAAAARRRGGH!" yelled Jed, running around the room. Then he calmed down.
"I am a higher lifeform. I will not be afraid of an overgrown insect. I will do you no harm. That is, as long as you do me no harm," said the cockroach.
"What? I am not an insect! I am a mammalian being!" said Jed, choosing to ignore the part about the cockroach being a higher lifeform - for the moment. The cockroach pulled a large tome from behind a gigantic wing. It opened the book and pointed to a page. It was headed "FAMILY TREE OF JED". The last entry on the page was "Jed". The first entry was "Offspring of a millipede and a greenfly".

Jed shrugged.
"So, you've made your point. Can you get your nest off my keyboard so I can use it?" he asked.
"Well, I could, but then technically you would have harmed my mental wellbeing and I would be forced to harm you. However, you can use the keys that are not covered by my nest." Luckily, the cockroach had constructed its humble abode on the numberpad.

Jed was finally able to continue his book of words. He started to type in some words. Unfortunately, he lived on Yaargle, and all the words in the Yaarglish language were made up of some combination of the words "yaargle" and "aargle" (and their variants and diminutives), occasionally with some extra "A"s thrown in for good measure. This meant that, for example, the word "door" was "yaargle aargle aaaargle yaarg". Jed quickly found his measly eight megabytes of memory filling up, especially as he had to store definitions as well.

Jed remembered that he had bought a memory expansion card at some stage. He just couldn't remember where he'd put it…